Red Region Inferno

It was a case of false advertising.

We looked at their profile and they sounded great.
They had over 30 pictures showing themselves as a very hot and sexy couple.
They claimed to be athletic and had a few pictures showing them engaged in sports.
We exchanged about 20 emails and they seemed outgoing and fun.
They claimed an interest in many of the things we are into.
It seemed like a match made in heaven.
We set a date at a nice restaurant.
We confirmed.
We arrived.
Then….. they walked in.

I would say that as a general rule most people involved in the swinging lifestyle take care of themselves a tad better than the average vanilla folk of the world.

The reason for this is kinda obvious… to be attractive.

This was not the case with our dates.

The male was greasy looking and his skin was dough-ish.
He had long finger nails that curled over and appeared to be yellowish brown.
His hair poked up in tufts… and from the minute he sat down he kept staring off into space as if he was surprised by his surroundings.

The female half was put together a bit better… but just a bit.
She also seemed very intent on checking out her surroundings as if she was confused as to how she arrived.
She had enough makeup on her face to paint a wall.

That awkward silent moment that sometimes sneaks into a situation was there from the first.
We didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t know what to say.
It was odd.

It was a more than obvious mismatch.

I decided to chat about whatever came to mind.
I asked questions and they answered them in short nondescript ways.
I almost started looking around for a hidden camera.
This had to be a joke.
Nope. It was actually happening.

We toughed it through our meal and said our good-buys.
Yikes!

We wondered what types played with these folks.
We wondered where these types of folks congregated.
I am still wondering what would make a couple show up to a first meeting (that they traveled an hour for) looking like crap.

Just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy I re-checked their profile.
Yep… that is them:

1. Looking good in pictures (old photos plus photo shop I guess)
2. Posed in athletic clothing and participating in sports (10 year old photos?)
3. A profile written in a very outgoing manner.

False advertising!

People… if you swing and use online websites please use photos that are at least semi recent.
You do not look the same as you did 10 years ago…. even if your spouse claims that you do.

If you used to play collage ball and in the 10 years since you graduated you have done nothing more strenuous than mow the lawn don’t claim to be athletic.

If you want to get laid…

MEN- Cut your nails, shave, take time choosing your attire, shower, brush your hair and teeth.
It’s really not much to ask.

WOMEN- Polish your nails, do your makeup nice (or not at all) , brush your teeth, shower, shave, pay attention to your hair and dress to impress.

EVERYONE- Be nice and try to engage in a conversation.

The world is a strange place and moments like these are part of that strangeness.
Hopefully it was a first and last experience for us.
Meeting couples that just don’t click for one reason or another is just part of the game… but slovenly swingers is not something we expected to run into.

One of the strangest parts of the swinging lifestyle for me is meeting other play couples for the first time.

We are social swingers. That is… we need to like you before we commit to sex.
Some swingers (maybe a quarter of them) are pretty much just after the sex.
The rest fall someplace between needing a bit of chemistry to wanting to be such great friends before play is an option that most poly folks would think them overboard.
In the very middle of that is us.
We are after sex, but seek long term friendship.

First meets are therefore odd.
4 people getting together to see if chemistry exists.
Checking for an attraction. Checking for a liking.
Do we have enough in common to warrant a possible friendship that would also include sex?

Two types of meets exist for us.
The first type is the Let’s meet and see – and after we meet we will fuck unless something goes wrong type meeting.
With these types of meetings we have actually already met before usually.
Most likely it was at a club, a swingers take-over, a party, a social, a meet n greet… and then we talked via phone, chat, text, etc…
It is a 99% sure thing situation.

The other type of meet is the … We don’t know you so we need to get together and see if we want to have sex meeting, but we sure the heck ain’t making that decision on the spot type meeting.

“Let’s meet for dinner / drinks.”

These are the odd ones.

Usually you find these folks through adult personals sites geared towards swingers or through friends that swing.
You exchange pictures, chat once or twice (if at all) then get together.

For you non lifestyle folks….
Imagine.
You get dressed.
You hop in a car and go to a restaurant or bar.
You meet two complete strangers and immediately look them over for sexual attraction.
You get seated and begin a bunch of small talk (Still checking each other out for sexual attraction)
and by the time you are ordering you are sharing your  sexual history.
Asking when they got into swinging, why, what they like, what they don’t, what rules they may have, how they like to play, etc…

If it goes bad, you make the best of the evening.
Try and have a nice dinner and casual conversation.
If just drinks was the agenda… you make a quick escape.

If all goes well… you talk till closing, shake hands/hug and say you will be in touch.
You all leave and talk about the other couple on the way home.
You wonder if (how much) they liked you and you discuss if they are a good set of potential playmates.

You then usually write an email or wait for them to write you depending on your interest level and how sure you are that they may have been interested.

Eventually a date is set for usually the same exact thing except with the expectation of sex after the dinner or drinks.

The whole thing is pretty whacked.

“Hey honey… hurry up, we are going to be late for dinner with the Smiths, and we gotta go see if they are F#$% worthy.”

Ahhh, it sounds so odd, but wouldn’t it be nice if dating in vanilla land was so easy?
Singles seeking others have no prescribed rules to play by.
They are constantly wasting time, getting emotionally thrashed, and played by people left and right.
Maybe this strange dating ritual of the swinging crowd should be taken up by the vanilla folk.
It is pretty much the same thing already, but with everything out on the table.
No hidden agenda type stuff.
There is an honesty in it.
That is what is lacking in Vanilla land. The honesty of the situation.

A single male calls a single female he has never met.
Dave – “Hi, my name is Dave and my buddy Jeff said that you are a hottie. I was wondering if you would like to go out for a drink and see if we want to have sex?”
Sue – “Well sure Dave, any friend of Jeff has got to be pretty cool.”
Dave – “O.k. How about Friday at the Lounge bar?”
Sue – “Sounds good, you paying?”
Dave – “Sure am, by the way, Do you enjoy anal?”
Sue - “only if it’s gentle and you have to use warming lube.”
Dave – “I will be sure to bring warming lube in case we hit it off.”
Sue – “Sounds good Dave.”

Doesn’t work that way.  To bad. It would be so much more simple.

Dating for couples seems odd because it isn’t how we are programed.
We are not doing what we have been taught…
but it is really a more efficient way of doing things.
It really works.
Ask anything. Tell anything. Make sure they are exactly what you are seeking.
Find out now… not 4 months from now.

Pretty cool system if you think about it.

We met a play couple through Adult FriendFinder that seemed very cool.
We exchanged a few emails and then set up a date.
Through texting they seemed very flirty and fun… and they sent many a sexy photo.

When the date arrived we all met at King Street Bar and Grill in Seattle.
It is a semi decent looking bar located across from the stadium.
Bad choice as a baseball game was just getting out… but good choice because of the Mac n cheese.
None of us had ever been there before and I ordered the Mac n cheese on the recommendation of the waiter.
It was soooo yummy!
I highly recommend you try it if ever you go to the place.

Anyway – our very flirty (through texting) friends didn’t seem so flirty in person, but they did seem nice.
We decided to continue on with the adventure even though our dinner and drinks seemed to be filed with one awkward silence moment after another.
I was hoping the awkward silence moments would stop once we got to their home.
They lived about 45 minutes away and we followed them there talking about the non flirty thing and wondering if they even liked us.

When we got to their home we all seemed tired and yawns ensued.
The awkward silence thing kept happening and we really had no clue how to proceed, but the wife of the couple invited us to the bedroom.

We set some mood lighting (by my request) via the use of some candles and then she started kissing me.
The awkward went away pretty fast and we ended up taking a full 30 minutes or so just getting naked while making out and exploring each-other.

My wife is always straight to the point and got naked pretty fast.
She and the husband of our play couple ended up on the bed before I was even close to it.

They also finished when I was maybe half way through with what I was doing… the woman I was with was of the sensual sort and loved to kiss and tease. She was very sexy.

When finally we had ended our slow, sensual sexy act… we all chilled for a bit.
I raided their kitchen for a treat and found cupcakes.

Now usually the sex part of any date removes any sort of awkward feelings that may have been lingering around before the sex, but not in this case.

It went straight back to awkward.
Nobody new what to say.
It was very odd.
We crashed in their guest room because it was 4 in the morning and made a hasty escape in the morning.
How can you feel awkward right after sharing an orgasm with somebody?

So… added to our list of strange experiences in swinging is the awkward silence couple.

Fondue Parties Are Only For Swingers.
Yep, that is right.
Or at least that is what I was told over the weekend.

We had bean invited over for Fondue and play by some friends and while the guy half (Lets call him Dave) was making up the yummy food we all sat around chatting it up…
and he told us of a story a girl had related to them…

You see – a couple had invited her to a fondue party.
She was shocked and horrified.
Why?
Because only swingers have fondue parties.
Yes, that is what she said.
Now… here is the best part.
Multiple people were in the room when she was telling this story and they all decided to chip in with their own knowledge of the swingers lifestyle and the sneaky habits of swingers.
Amazingly… many of these non swingers thought that a fondue party was a swingers thing.
I thought this was pretty darn funny, and so did our hosts.
We (who do partake in swinging) had never heard of this.

Anyways… It was a three cheese swiss blend and it was delicious.
After sitting around nibbling on tasty tidbits we hit the hot tub for a bit of flirt and fondle. (The rumors are true… many swingers own hot tubs)
Then up to the bedroom.

We have played with this couple a few times before, so the what shall we do now type situation doesn’t exist.
Just straight to the bed for fun.
I thought it was a good idea to repay (lets call her Stacey) for being such a gracious host by getting oral straight from the start.
I was paying no attention to my wife at this point because I could hear them and they sounded like a good time was being had… so I just focused on Stacy.
Once she had made it to paradise not just once, but twice I got up to let her return the favor.
I now was able to watch my wife and Dave a bit.
They were in a 69 position and having a very good time.
After maybe 3 or 4 minutes of Stacey sucking me I felt ready to explode.
I had to start pulling back a bit and making her ease up.
My wife got up and turned to suck on Stacey’s breasts.
Dave put on a condom and entered my wife from behind.
It was a great visual so I decided to stand up and see even better.
So there I was standing on the bed like a king above a wonderful mini orgy watching my wife moan as she kissed and licked Stacey.
It was pretty sweet.
Stacey brought me to the edge maybe a dozen times and I knew I was not going to last any longer… so I turned her around and gloved up for some sexy fun.
We all did it in every position you can imagine for about an hour or so.
It was one of those high energy fast and hard type nights.
Very fun.
My wife had 2 big O’s and Stacey had 3.
I had a HUGE one.
Somehow I had stayed exactly at the point of ‘just about to cum’ the whole time and when I finally did it was awesome!

Now Dave is that guy that never can cum.
Stacey knows all his tricks and even she admits to just giving up most of the time.

My sexy (and naughty) wife however is a very goal oriented person… and she really wanted to get Dave off.
The last time we played she gave up after almost 2 hours when all added up… and that is with help from Stacey.

So… Stacey and I decided to leave the bedroom and have a drink.
45 minutes later we are joined by our spouses.
Can you imagine a girl so determined to make the guy who can’t cum have an orgasm that she did oral for 45 minutes after an hour and a half of fast and furious sex?
Yep, that is my wife.
Did she end up with success?
She sure did.
This made Stacey horny of course… so she grabbed me and we ended up having a re-match on the couch.
My insatiable wife joined us about 15 minutes into it and we made sure Stacey would want to invite us back for fondue again.

Funny part of the story – This all happened last night.
Today… my wife is ruined – sore, lol.
Marathon sex, fast and hard for 2 hours = Swollen.
“Was it worth it?” I ask. “Fuck yea!” She says.

So… Fondue and Swingers.
In my dorky/geeky need to know way… I just had to know why people thought that fondue and swingers are connected.
I get on google and do some research.
Turns out that though it is mostly an unfounded urban myth made up by non swingers types… It is just MOSTLY unfounded.
Fondue was very popular in the 70′s.
It is the perfect party food.
The 70′s are the era of the infamous key parties that so many non swinger folk know about and associate with current play couples.
In the 70′s it turns out that fondue was a very common thing for swingers parties.
Of course… fondue was popular at all types of parties in the 70′s, but that isn’t fun to talk about and the less apt you are to go to any sort of party
(Un-popular/boring/bitter)
the more apt you are to seek reasons not to go and to talk nonsense.
Thus… all fondue parties became swinger parties and swingers always serve fondue.

Fast forward to 2010.
Fondue has NOTHING to do with swingers.
Though I hope it does gain popularity in swing circles because I like it.
Most swingers have no clue about the myth. (fondue and what?)
Many non swingers consider it to be fact. (fondue party = swingers party)

Moral of the story:
If you are ever invited to a fondue party… Shave your bits!
You just may get lucky.